z***@email.com
2003-09-12 12:55:14 UTC
Zack is basically tired of people's bad grammar and poor effort in at
least
presenting this newsgroup with halfway intelligent English.
The most offensive infraction to date is the goddamned misuse of the
freaking apostrophe. Because Zack has a big heart and way too much
time
on his hands, he is posting this little lesson on how to use the
damned
punctuation mark to hopefully educate some of the morons in this group
on how to sound at least like a normal human being and not a total
retard.
... and you're welcome.
The Apostrophe
This poor little 'ho is the most abused punctuation mark in the
language,
and it's a relief when morons get to know it - all it wants to do is
to please.
It only has TWO functions to perform and they're both straightforward,
but still it gets shoved in where it doesn't belong, left out of where
it
wants to be. or just generally misused like a dirty bottle with a
condom.
Let's take a frickin' moment to sort this out once and for all:
1. To show OMISSION
What's an asshole like me, doing in a place like this?
We started with two words, "what" and "is," but because this is
informal writing,
we want to express it informally, so we OMIT a letter from the word
is.
Examples:
I could've danced all night... (could have, not could 'of')
It's time for breakfast...(It is time)
It's been raining all day... (It has been raining)
So, in future whenever you see an apostrophe, make a goddamned
conscious effort
to work out what the original word was before the letter was omitted.
Sometimes, as in the case of could've and would've, more than one
letter has been omitted.
This will establish good freaking habits and alert you to the role of
the apostrophe.
2. To show POSSESSION
We went to Zack's shitty party. (Zack threw the party; it is the party
Zack threw)
Notice how the apostrophe comes at the end of the noun (Zack) and is
accompanied
by the letter 's' - a bit like a frickin' parol officer?
We knew who to blame for the porn mags out in the woods; there was mud
all over
Zack's shoes.
We're only referring to one person and he owns the shoes (and the
mags and a very satisfied smile, no doubt).
Confusion arises when the apostrophe is used with a goddamned plural
noun.
At the circle jerk, the men were not interested in seeing the boys'
perform.
More than one boy was ready to perform, so we add the apostrophe after
the 's'
(this is the performance of the boys).
So, the general rule is:
if there's one owner - add an apostrophe and then 's'
if there are two or more owners - add 's' then an apostrophe.
However, (and of course you're not frickin' surprised to hear this,
are you?),
there are exceptions to this rule.
For words which form their plural by changing internal letters
(instead of
adding 's'), the apostrophe comes before the 's'.
It was the children's turn to throw up.
Children is already a plural word, so we don't need to make it doubly
plural by
adding 's' apostrophe; however, we do need to indicate the idea of
ownership,
so we use apostrophe 's'.
Some other words which follow this rule are: men, women, people, feet,
deer, fish.
When you have 'double possession' - when two or more people (or
subjects)
own one item and both (or all) of their names are mentioned, the
apostrophe is applied
only to the second (or last) name.
We got herpes at Zack and Ravena's party.
The apostrophe is also used with many expressions of time (to show
that the time
period owns the other noun):
an hour's time; a year's waiting.
BUT notice that we do not use the apostrophe with possessive pronouns
(remember, these are the little fuckers who step in and lend a paw to
nouns).
After dinner at Zack's house, we puked for about an hour.
The bastard's lips were smiling. (The bastard owns the lips.)
The bastard smiled with its lips. (The bastard owns the lips, but the
pronoun its
is being used instead of the noun, so there is NO apostrophe.
You'll see "it's" and "its" used incorrectly nearly every single day
and in places where
it should never freaking happen. An easy way to make sure you never
confuse the two
is to ask yourself, if the words it is can be substituted in the
sentence- if the answer is yes,
then shove in the apostrophe.
If the answer is no, then sit on your freaking hands so you won't be
tempted.
The bastard smiled with its lips. (it is? - NO)
It's a lovely fucking day. (It is? - YES)
least
presenting this newsgroup with halfway intelligent English.
The most offensive infraction to date is the goddamned misuse of the
freaking apostrophe. Because Zack has a big heart and way too much
time
on his hands, he is posting this little lesson on how to use the
damned
punctuation mark to hopefully educate some of the morons in this group
on how to sound at least like a normal human being and not a total
retard.
... and you're welcome.
The Apostrophe
This poor little 'ho is the most abused punctuation mark in the
language,
and it's a relief when morons get to know it - all it wants to do is
to please.
It only has TWO functions to perform and they're both straightforward,
but still it gets shoved in where it doesn't belong, left out of where
it
wants to be. or just generally misused like a dirty bottle with a
condom.
Let's take a frickin' moment to sort this out once and for all:
1. To show OMISSION
What's an asshole like me, doing in a place like this?
We started with two words, "what" and "is," but because this is
informal writing,
we want to express it informally, so we OMIT a letter from the word
is.
Examples:
I could've danced all night... (could have, not could 'of')
It's time for breakfast...(It is time)
It's been raining all day... (It has been raining)
So, in future whenever you see an apostrophe, make a goddamned
conscious effort
to work out what the original word was before the letter was omitted.
Sometimes, as in the case of could've and would've, more than one
letter has been omitted.
This will establish good freaking habits and alert you to the role of
the apostrophe.
2. To show POSSESSION
We went to Zack's shitty party. (Zack threw the party; it is the party
Zack threw)
Notice how the apostrophe comes at the end of the noun (Zack) and is
accompanied
by the letter 's' - a bit like a frickin' parol officer?
We knew who to blame for the porn mags out in the woods; there was mud
all over
Zack's shoes.
We're only referring to one person and he owns the shoes (and the
mags and a very satisfied smile, no doubt).
Confusion arises when the apostrophe is used with a goddamned plural
noun.
At the circle jerk, the men were not interested in seeing the boys'
perform.
More than one boy was ready to perform, so we add the apostrophe after
the 's'
(this is the performance of the boys).
So, the general rule is:
if there's one owner - add an apostrophe and then 's'
if there are two or more owners - add 's' then an apostrophe.
However, (and of course you're not frickin' surprised to hear this,
are you?),
there are exceptions to this rule.
For words which form their plural by changing internal letters
(instead of
adding 's'), the apostrophe comes before the 's'.
It was the children's turn to throw up.
Children is already a plural word, so we don't need to make it doubly
plural by
adding 's' apostrophe; however, we do need to indicate the idea of
ownership,
so we use apostrophe 's'.
Some other words which follow this rule are: men, women, people, feet,
deer, fish.
When you have 'double possession' - when two or more people (or
subjects)
own one item and both (or all) of their names are mentioned, the
apostrophe is applied
only to the second (or last) name.
We got herpes at Zack and Ravena's party.
The apostrophe is also used with many expressions of time (to show
that the time
period owns the other noun):
an hour's time; a year's waiting.
BUT notice that we do not use the apostrophe with possessive pronouns
(remember, these are the little fuckers who step in and lend a paw to
nouns).
After dinner at Zack's house, we puked for about an hour.
The bastard's lips were smiling. (The bastard owns the lips.)
The bastard smiled with its lips. (The bastard owns the lips, but the
pronoun its
is being used instead of the noun, so there is NO apostrophe.
You'll see "it's" and "its" used incorrectly nearly every single day
and in places where
it should never freaking happen. An easy way to make sure you never
confuse the two
is to ask yourself, if the words it is can be substituted in the
sentence- if the answer is yes,
then shove in the apostrophe.
If the answer is no, then sit on your freaking hands so you won't be
tempted.
The bastard smiled with its lips. (it is? - NO)
It's a lovely fucking day. (It is? - YES)